Why Sobriety Is My Superpower
Do you know one of those really annoying people? They decline the dessert, not because they’re on some restrictive diet, but because they genuinely don’t find sweet stuff all that appealing. Oh really! You say, “Good for you!”, while secretly thinking “Screw you”.
Over a year ago, someone shared a truly informative and factual podcast by Andrew Huberman, about the effects of any amount of alcohol on your brain and body. I had recently reached the ripe old age of fourty, otherwise known as the age when you have less cares to give. So, I asked myself why I drank at all, and what might happen if I actually stopped. And then, I just stopped.
You know how it goes from there. I felt great, I saved money, and I can honestly say that ‘I often regretted drinking, but I never regretted not drinking’ and so on. It’s all true. All of it.
However, before that life changing podcast, I did regularly drink. Why? Because that’s what everyone else does, right? It seemed like the norm, and not something I questioned.
So, let’s start by saying that when you stop drinking, people just don’t know how to react to you. They literally don’t know what to do with you, and how to interact with you.
The Unexpected Side Effects of Being Sober (Prepare Yourself)
- People Will Ask You “Why?”
People will always ask you why you don’t drink. It’s like a default setting. They react well if you respond honestly, and explain why. But they usually don’t react well if you reverse the question back to them. Pro tip: you can absolutely use this as a way to avoid any further discussion, if you don’t want them to speak to you for the rest of the party. - People Will Ask for Permission to Drink:
Oh, you don’t drink? That’s good for you! But, would you mind if I had a beer though?
Why on earth would I mind?! I’ve already explained to you that my reasons for sobriety have nothing to do with any past addiction issues, or any alcoholic people. The only reason I can see for this persistent questioning is… - People Will Think You Are Judging Them:
If you’re sober not because of a problem, then it must be because you feel superior for your choice. This is a common assumption. People seem to think that your sobriety implies that you understand the implications of alcohol on your behavior, and on your long-term health, and that you are more responsible and mature than they are. That means that they are, in turn, an idiot for drinking. That’s often how many drinkers will see you, and it’s often not something they want to confront.
If we’re not all in this together, and engaging in that same behavior, then other people’s choices start to reveal themselves as actual choices, and not just a default mode of living. As a consequence, they think that you are judging them, when in reality they are actually faced with the need to evaluate their own behavior for the very first time. It’s an uncomfortable truth. - People Will Stop Inviting You to Stuff:
They tend to think it’s because you won’t enjoy yourself in a drinking crowd. So, it’s best to protect you from boredom by not including you. Or you might think it’s because they won’t enjoy your boring presence and want to protect themselves from your judgement, or your “goody-two-shoes” attitude. Embrace this, I love being boring! - People Will Think You Are Less Fun:
These last two points can often create a vicious circle. Or, rather, a spiral of social exclusion for sober people, and those who choose not to drink. And this is often how you start to lose friends. It’s an unfortunate reality that comes from making a conscious choice about what you put into your body.
Sorry, maybe I should’ve started off with that.
When you go sober, you will inevitably lose friends. This is not a question of if, but when, and it is something you should prepare yourself for.
The Loss of “Party” Friends and What Really Matters
Your friends will typically split into two distinct groups. There will be those who will actively find ways to spend time with you without alcohol, and there will be others who will just keep pressuring you to drink.
The second group will often split into a further two groups. There will be those who ultimately stop seeing you, and those who start to drink less, because being around you, and not drinking, has made them re-evaluate their own drinking behavior. It’s like they are forced to confront it through your behavior.
Whether you like it or not, you will definitely have an impact on your friends. Your decision will not go unnoticed; it will create ripples in your friends’ group precisely because it’s a choice, and not the default, and it also rejects the fundamental way in which many people connect, and bond.
Each of the people who used to drink with you will now be faced with a new way of relating to you, as their friend. They may, or may not, like their own sober interpretation of friendship.
My own transition to alcohol-free socializing was relatively easy for me, as it coincided with me moving to a new city. I simply chose to make new friends who were completely fine with me not drinking. Hence… I now have a few friends.
When you lose friends, it’s often because you’ll realize that, without alcohol, you don’t have much in common with them. That is, the new you. It’s not them, it’s you, and what you’ve become.
The Challenges You’ll Face With Yourself
- You’ll hopefully start working out more – with all the energy and non hangovers, you will feel the benefit of using your body earlier in the morning.
- You’ll inevitably behave differently. Of course, you will! You will have removed a substance that previously influenced, and even dictated, your behavior in many different contexts. And now, you’ll have to figure out what to do completely on your own.
- More than that, you’ll have to face your sober personality, always. You’ll absolutely love the weight loss, the increase in energy levels, and the deep sleep. But this – the raw sober you – you may not love at all
- You may, in fact, be far less fun than you previously thought. You might have to confront aspects of your personality that you haven’t confronted before
- You’ll Drink More Sparkling Water or Diet Soda. This will be the ultimate fallback option in any bar, restaurant, or house party, unless you quit alcohol so that you can get diabetes from drinking Sprite and Fanta instead, so feel free but make sure it’s calorie and sugar free.
- You’ll Get Tired. I know that you will be determined to prove to everyone that you’re not less fun without alcohol, but they can still see you yawn. Yes, it’s even obvious when you’re trying to hide it with your mouth closed. You’ll now become the friend who asks if you can all start dinner at 6 PM instead of 8 PM just so you can start the next day earlier and get your gym sesh on!
- You’ll be Difficult to Date. “Should we get a drink soon?” It’s the easiest, most straightforward, and casual way to offer a first date. And now you have to think about how to approach this new reality. Since you both got so far, you don’t want to spoil it by explaining that you don’t drink. Finding an activity is complicated, a dinner is serious, and a coffee is often perceived as boring. You want to come across as carefree and fun, not difficult and boring. So you might be tempted to just not say anything.
- You’ll Be Disappointed In Others. Because really, people just don’t give up. For many of them, it’s often a badge of honor to try and make you drink. And if they can’t, they often stop being your friend. Every time you have to decline a drink, you will also notice that the other person is, in fact, drinking. And you’ll also start to notice how often that happens. Far from judging them, you’ll actually start to judge our reality itself. People are just doing what’s collectively agreed upon as normal.
It’s become normal to regularly, if not constantly, try to make ourselves happier by distorting our perception of reality. It’s collectively agreed upon to ingest a poison. And the worst thing is, that it’s actually really difficult to opt out of ingesting that poison. You have to execute a conscious choice, and use a good deal of strong will, in order to exist in our society, without ingesting that same poison.
What does that say about our reality, and more importantly… what are the standards that you set for yourself?
